Forgiveness

When hatred rears it ugly head, you must forgive... that and block on facebook =D

 Sad, I feel like a grown man should be able to act like one. I guess the "Christens"(Sic) that were lost because of "filth like you"(me) cloud judgment. I'm not even sure what all that means, I just know that I am very careful and specifically go out of my way to articulate my views of the world in a fashion that isn't shoving my opinions down someone's throat. 

I would challenge someone to succinctly summarize my outlooks on the world, existence, sentience - love, hate, freedom. Yet still, I find myself being labeled and persecuted. I try and ever be mindful to not judge, as much as one can. "Judge not, lest ye be judged" - Irony considering the hypocrisy of your words, the hatred of your heart and the misunderstanding of your mind.

If I were a man of prayer, I would pray for you, I would pray for your self redemption for all those whom you have hurt over the years. I would pray that they can forgive you, and more importantly, that you can forgive yourself. Since I am not a man of prayer, I will directly let you know that I forgive you, and wish you a good life. That is sincere, no sarcasm or antagonism, just sincerity. Have a good life, I just wish you to not be a part of mine.

Appreciation

“If you love a flower, don’t pick it up.
Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love.
So if you love a flower, let it be.
Love is not about possession.
Love is about appreciation.”

― Osho

It was coincidental I ran into this quote tonight. It gave me some perspective on the trying week.

Rest in peace; forgive me.

Rest in peace; forgive yourself.

Living without regret, saying you are sorry, and forgiveness.

Over the past several months, I have had some of the worst times, mentally and emotionally that I can remember. To say it has been a roller-coaster would be an understatement of an overused cliche`.

I had a complete breakdown recently. The very core of everything I am, fell apart. For about 24 hours, I was a disheveled, husk. Shortly afterwards, I felt better than I have in a very long time. Total. Mind. Fuck.

The relationships in my life have always been the unfair recipients of my mania, depression, ups and downs, good and bads, and the frustration of it all is, there is no undo button. I can't roll back the clock and take away some of the pain. As much as I wish I could, I can't. Not for me, but for her. Its not fair.

I decided a while ago, I need to let it go. Let it all go. I need to forgive myself for the things which I can not change - Being me. This sounds like a typical emo, self pity approach at life, but I can't articulate how I feel without describing it that way. This means accepting my OCD. Accepting my depression. Realize that it won't go away, and it is a part of me as much as my blue eyes.

I've always tried to make decisions which will not result in any feelings of regret. Unfortunately for me, life is not that simple.

So, there is a theory of the universe, which is an alternative to Einstein's Theory of Relativity, called Multi-verse Theory. In this Multi-verse, every outcome of every event is possible. So, lets take some artistic liberty and say, in this multi-verse, it followed me life up until the day of that breakdown. There was a point in time, in which, to her, I was Schrodinger's Cat. I was in superposition, both alive and dead at the same time. Now, mind you, I have my own feelings about the matter, but those are unimportant. How terrible of a time was that for her? Regardless what I was experiencing, its not fair for her.

These things I am unable to take back. I can't take back that day. I can't fix that fear and dread. I can't alleviate the nightmares. Fix the badness.

Jessica, I am sorry. You are what gives me faith in humanity. You make me strive to be better. Physically, emotionally, figuratively and literally. You are the best thing that could ever have happened to me. I hope you know this. I hope you can forgive me, as I work to forgiving myself.