Honesty and Frustration - a Catharsis

So my initial intentions when I created this blog, was to give me an outlet to share my riding experiences, and post pictures and all that cool stuff. It would give me a place, outside of regular social media, a place without boundaries, without rules, and without turning anything into a discussion. Sometimes, those things are great, but I wanted something different.

The more and more I think about this blog, and the more things are happening in my life lately, the more I realize the opportunity and importance of this blog. I've thought about keeping this blog purely for riding and creating another blog where I can spew all the indulgence of a self-loathing narcissist I could muster, but anyone who knows me, knows that I don't half-ass anything and I take pride in my ability to be brutally honest. Its time to be honest.

I realized, recently, very recently, that I am in fact, a self-loathing narcissist. I've been keenly and overwhelming aware of the self-loathing part for a long time, but only recently have I come to realize the degree, to which, I epitomize narcissism. Just the fact that I think I need to write this down, shows it. I don't even care if anyone actually reads it, and I am actually not looking forward to some of the discussions that might take place once I'm done updating this blog entry, but its something I need to do to be honest with myself.

I have been on, what seems to be, a roller-coaster for the past several months. Since I decided to take control of my health, the  physical, mental and emotional struggle that I have been fighting, has been endless.

Physical - My desire to eat has changed a lot, hungry at odd times of the day, appetite and taste has changed drastically - My clothes don't fit, which is an amazing thing, however, It makes me feel sloppy, unkempt and disorganized. A few months ago, one of my wisdom teeth starting coming in, with my personal choice to not use medicine, I have not gone to the dentist, and there is a rupture in my gums, every two weeks or so it flares up, I can't close my jaw, and eating becomes painful. Two months ago I broke some ribs on a bike ride that had some issues out at Black Canyon Trail here in Phoenix, Az.

Mental - My OCD has changed, I like to think that it has lessened, but if I am honest, I think it has just gotten lazy and maybe changed a bit. The irony of my OCD changing this way, is it has caused me some misery, I've actually misplaced my wallet a few times, which would have never happened a year ago. That sounds pretty silly, but misplacing my wallet, and dealing with the fact that it would have never happened before, makes me feel like a part of me is missing and makes me wonder about how "better" I could have been growing up, and then into adulthood without this. I've always been open talking about my OCD, but I don't know if I've ever written it down. I wonder why I have this overwhelming desire to capitalize the letters, as if... as if what? I don't even know.

Emotional - I can summarize my mental state with a conversation I had with my mum a few days ago. My mum has always been and always will be nothing short of amazing. She has been a guiding light, a support and unwavering love to me for all my life. We had a long conversation about Jessica and I not having children, mainly due to her heart condition, but also, very much to do with me being who I am, and dealing with the things that I deal with. I made a decision a long time ago, that it would be selfish of me to bring another me into this world, to subject another living creature, who is unable to make their own decisions, to not only my way of life, but to my genes as well. I honestly feel that it needs to end with me. I have for a long time, I knew this when I was far too young to be having these thoughts. I shared this with my mom and while I don't want to say that she said "Yes, you are right." She didn't disagree. I was not searching for some sort of validation, nor was I searching for someone to tell me I was mistaken, but I certainly didn't want to be right. Despite the very open relationship with my mum, I made a point, growing up, to not discuss my OCD, and just try and get-on with life. During this conversation she told me that she has always know that I was... the way I am, and she has never tried to change that, and loves me for everything I am, and everything I have become. She told me she was very proud of me and the personal and social growth I've made over the past few years. I can't disagree with this, but I feel ashamed that I forced people to live with me the way I am, and it was something we didn't talk about.

What is the point of this entry? I don't know, perhaps catharsis?

I'm not seeking validation, nor comfort - I don't know, maybe I am. It doesn't really matter.

In the grand scale of the universe, anyone's existence is just a smudge on something with much more breadth than one's imagination could ever fathom. Yet, here I am, feeling sorry for myself.

My struggle is no more than anyone's. I'm not fucking special.

I have a friend who was taken to jail this past week, a very good friend, someone who I have spent a great deal of emotional time with. You see, we're in a band together, and for me, being in a band and sharing music with other musicians is something very special. It requires trust and passion, fervor and pain. My friend thinks I'm just some asshole, but his loss has really upset me - I am powerless to do anything at all for him. One of the many reasons I don't drink / partake in drugs is due to my necessity to be in control 100% of the time, and not being in control is the worst feeling I can think of. I can let go of many things, but letting go of my control is something I can not do. I hope his journey is a safe one, and I'm optimistic that he will come out a stronger, better person than he went in.

I'm hoping I can just post this post and that I will feel better, knowing that despite my normal ability to be honest without regard for repercussions, this post will not make undue stress, or cause undue burdens for anyone.

I have a friend visiting from out of town, and we're going to the Grand Canyon tomorrow - Hopefully I can rest these emotions in this post and blog with some awesome Grand Canyon pictures later on this week.

If you read this - thank you and I'm sorry.