Forgiveness

When hatred rears it ugly head, you must forgive... that and block on facebook =D

 Sad, I feel like a grown man should be able to act like one. I guess the "Christens"(Sic) that were lost because of "filth like you"(me) cloud judgment. I'm not even sure what all that means, I just know that I am very careful and specifically go out of my way to articulate my views of the world in a fashion that isn't shoving my opinions down someone's throat. 

I would challenge someone to succinctly summarize my outlooks on the world, existence, sentience - love, hate, freedom. Yet still, I find myself being labeled and persecuted. I try and ever be mindful to not judge, as much as one can. "Judge not, lest ye be judged" - Irony considering the hypocrisy of your words, the hatred of your heart and the misunderstanding of your mind.

If I were a man of prayer, I would pray for you, I would pray for your self redemption for all those whom you have hurt over the years. I would pray that they can forgive you, and more importantly, that you can forgive yourself. Since I am not a man of prayer, I will directly let you know that I forgive you, and wish you a good life. That is sincere, no sarcasm or antagonism, just sincerity. Have a good life, I just wish you to not be a part of mine.

Appreciation

“If you love a flower, don’t pick it up.
Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love.
So if you love a flower, let it be.
Love is not about possession.
Love is about appreciation.”

― Osho

It was coincidental I ran into this quote tonight. It gave me some perspective on the trying week.

Rest in peace; forgive me.

Rest in peace; forgive yourself.

Living without regret, saying you are sorry, and forgiveness.

Over the past several months, I have had some of the worst times, mentally and emotionally that I can remember. To say it has been a roller-coaster would be an understatement of an overused cliche`.

I had a complete breakdown recently. The very core of everything I am, fell apart. For about 24 hours, I was a disheveled, husk. Shortly afterwards, I felt better than I have in a very long time. Total. Mind. Fuck.

The relationships in my life have always been the unfair recipients of my mania, depression, ups and downs, good and bads, and the frustration of it all is, there is no undo button. I can't roll back the clock and take away some of the pain. As much as I wish I could, I can't. Not for me, but for her. Its not fair.

I decided a while ago, I need to let it go. Let it all go. I need to forgive myself for the things which I can not change - Being me. This sounds like a typical emo, self pity approach at life, but I can't articulate how I feel without describing it that way. This means accepting my OCD. Accepting my depression. Realize that it won't go away, and it is a part of me as much as my blue eyes.

I've always tried to make decisions which will not result in any feelings of regret. Unfortunately for me, life is not that simple.

So, there is a theory of the universe, which is an alternative to Einstein's Theory of Relativity, called Multi-verse Theory. In this Multi-verse, every outcome of every event is possible. So, lets take some artistic liberty and say, in this multi-verse, it followed me life up until the day of that breakdown. There was a point in time, in which, to her, I was Schrodinger's Cat. I was in superposition, both alive and dead at the same time. Now, mind you, I have my own feelings about the matter, but those are unimportant. How terrible of a time was that for her? Regardless what I was experiencing, its not fair for her.

These things I am unable to take back. I can't take back that day. I can't fix that fear and dread. I can't alleviate the nightmares. Fix the badness.

Jessica, I am sorry. You are what gives me faith in humanity. You make me strive to be better. Physically, emotionally, figuratively and literally. You are the best thing that could ever have happened to me. I hope you know this. I hope you can forgive me, as I work to forgiving myself.

Odii's Urban Phoenix Back Yard Pallet Coop

So, I've been on an interesting journey for the past year or so and it has taken me to wanting to have chickens for my own awesomely-delishious eggs.

Seeing some of the pallet coops, I thought it would be a great idea to save money, and live a life where I make use of what I have and what I can find. Sourcing some friends, I was able to get a fair amount of pallets and even some shingles. I ended up having to buy screws, nails, hinges (found most of the hinges on old doors), wire and the shade I have covering the run.

I live in Phoenix, minor threat of predators here, cats would be pretty much it where I'm at, and we have a dog with his scent all over the yard, I've seen plenty of cats in other people's yards and hanging out down the road, but never once any near our back yard where it smells like our dog.

There is a lot of light noise in the pictures due to where the sun is.

The side that has the double wall has no openings on that side due to where the majority of the sun will come from, but it is very nice inside relative to outside temperature. I've spent quite a bit inside trying to get everything working. I did put up thermometers inside and outside so I can keep an eye on things.

I made obviously a hinged section to get eggs and also made an entire wall hinge so i could go inside and clean etc.

I've never built anything really, and mostly used hand tools (as if it wasn't obvious). By the end of it I have learned how to use a square, how to "toenail", how to use a circular saw and the old "measure twice, cut once". At the start, all of that was sketchy at best... You don't even want me to break down some of the flaws in my design/build heh.

The pictures make the shade covering the run look particularly messy, but it is very secure and looks good - also it is considerably cooler underneath there.

Inside the coop I made a shelf with and put foil baking pans filled with sand underneath some brackets that have the curved piece for coat hangars, I bent that a bit and put some repurposed bamboo for them to roost on.

It will still be a few weeks before we get chickens, and despite me wanting to get 3+ month old pullets, Jess wants to get chicks because "they go peep peep peep and are so fluffy".

Overcomplication

Lately I have found myself wanting more, by wanting less. I have been complicating things by trying to make them simpler. Irony at its finest.

Past few weeks have been harrowing, have had some circumstances arise that have put me to the test, and yet the struggle is internal, not external.

This weekend I had three people tell me I was a mean person, and each of them came to apologize later, stating that I wasn't mean, they just misunderstood. Perhaps I am mean, I'm not sure. I'm certainly not ill-intentioned, as far as I know, but perhaps there is a certain meanness to truth. Perhaps its not so much as the intention or content, but perhaps, the delivery. Ashamedly, I wouldn't have my delivery any other way. That's indulging in self-loathing narcissism at its core.

Composting

So, I've been super busy lately and haven't been on my computer all that much. I'm trying to find ways to be able to use my Kindle Fire tablet to post pictures and blog entries, but not really having much luck - but, here is a post!

  So we decided to start composting, we'd been talking about it a while, and now with me starting to garden, this is a perfect opportunity to do so. The compost containers at Home Depot or online can be pricey, and in for the sake of being more permaculturish and/or post-consumeristic I found something pretty awesome.
 
The city of Phoenix sells recycled trash cans for the specific purpose of composting, they have no bottoms and are pre drilled for airation.

 A week ago we went to the city of phoenix dump and picked up our recycled trash can they sell for $5.00. The process was a little strange, I couldn't believe just how much garbage rolled through there in the 30-45 minutes we were there for. Just goes to show you, out of sight, out of mind.

 Anyhow.

$5.00 compost bin

Day 1

Day 5

Today

 We set it up in the unfinished side of the yard, where the "RV" gate area is, lots of rock and crappy unfinished ground over there. Good place to put this big blue bin. So, I don't know much about composting yet, but I'm giving it a go. We started off with a layer of dirt from the yard, and then we put on some dried "brown" (sticks, dried grass, trimmings etc) and then we put a layer of "green" (tea bags, egg shells, veggie scraps etc).

Yesterday I put a top layer of dirt on it and gave it some water. I'll be watering it every few days to keep it doing its thing. I was pretty surprised, I assumed with all that decomposing food waste in there, it would have a smell to it, but it just smells like good dirt, no foul odor at all.

I am pretty excited, we've started a little collection container in the kitchen to collect our compostable waste and will be contributing to it daily or so.

In a couple of months (maybe sooner due to heat), with some turning, some watering and adding to it, we should get some nice nitrogen rich soil just in time for September planting!

My apologies for the piss-poor job on the layout of this post, not sure what happened.

In the works

Everthing lately seems to be something in the works. My garden, my search for a new drummer for my band, my life. I guess that is part of it, its a long process. That's life. This weekend my dog got in the garden and dug up all my plants, they had just started sprouting. My dog, Odin, didn't care about my garden until he saw me behind the little fence i put up. Jessica thinks that the ground smelled like me, adding to his love for digging, it was a perfect combo for doggie satisfaction. I'm trying dearly not to be too unreasonably upset with him, its proving difficult between dog surgery and doggie dentist, and now the garden. Lots of grief in a short period of time. Today we bought some more cheap garden fencing, i replanted some zucchini and cucumber, here's hoping that takes well. Memorial day weekend was a good one this year. My friend Paul came out from California, he is looking to move, and we got to do lunch and went for 8.5 miles of sweet Arizona singletrack. I was not quite sure how much riding he did, or how I would be feeling, but we had a blast. Next time he is out here we will need to do a longer ride, likes Hawes or BCT. I need to get some more pictures up on this blog. I took a very nice one whilst resting ine the shade during a ride Saturday. Need to post that. Only got ~15 miles in this weekend, but they were quality miles.